Category: Blog

Should You Ask Him To Kiss You?

This contest is now closed. Congratulations to Melissa, Meghan, Anna, Macy, and Julie for each winning a copy of What Are You Waiting For! Even though the contest is over, I still want to know what you think! Leave your comments below.

Lips aside, I'm nose deep in a book deadline and if I don't have your help, I may drown in my own thoughts. I'm going a bit antsy over something potentially controversial, and I need your stories and convictions. Don't worry if you don't have time. I'll probably just miss my deadline, throwing me into a fit of untimely stress. (Feel guilty?) Oh, by the way, I'm going to send free copies of What Are You Waiting For: The One Thing No One Ever Told You About Sex to five randomly selected commentors. (Feel motivated?) OK. Here's what I need to know. Ready? Drum roll please. (And do remember, I'm not sure what I think about this yet, that's why I'm asking.)

Is it ever OK for a girl to ask a guy to kiss her? Before you answer, let me show you some scandalous stuff I'm finding in the Bible about girls who asked for kisses.

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What Kind of Kiss Is The Wrong Kind?

How long should I save that first kiss? That's the question I asked in my last blog and I may have ruffled a few feathers suggesting that saving it until marriage might not be the only choice. I argued that the problem with kissing before marriage isn't when we kiss, but in defining what a kiss is. Wikipedia offers this nice photo of a pair of kissing prairie dogs along with this definition for kissing: "the act of pressing one's lips against the lips or body parts of another person or object." Certainly, we can do better. After all, pressing my lips against your dog is surely not sensual and would therefore require no self-control or internal guidelines. But there are those kisses that can be too much too soon. How do we define kisses so that we make God-honoring internalized decisions about when and what kind of kisses to give our special guy. Let's start by taking a quiz. Which of these five kinds of kisses do you think are OK outside of marriage?

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How Long Should You Save That First Kiss?

Some call it smooching. Others Frenching or playing tonsil-hockey. Very few go with the scientific term of philematology, but many of you are asking just how long you should save that first kiss. Amidst growing pressure for a Christian girl to save her first kiss for her wedding day, I see this decision becoming something of a fad. There's even a Facebook page you can "like" to fuel you with self-control to save that first peck. While each and every circumstance is different and I admire many who make that choice, I'm going to suggest that in most cases it's not the best choice and can slowly grow into an unhealthy form of legalism and pride. Let me explain.

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Celebrate Diversity!

Ask little boys and little girls about each other, and you're sure to hear some crazy ideas about love. Take, for example, these true thoughts on kissing:

You learn [how to kiss] right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you. --Doug, age 7 I know one reason kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses. --Gina, age 8 The rules goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry her and have kids with her. It's the right thing to do.  --Howard, age 8 Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours. --Kally, age 9
How naive our young minds can be about love. But, on the other hand, at least these kids recognize that girls like to kiss boys and vice versa. Sadly, as we grew up, many of us forgot why girls are girls and boys are boys and why they sometimes like to kiss. Let's go back to the Garden of Eden.

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There Are 8,360 Virgins At Penn State

“There are 8,360 virgins at Penn State.” Well, I’m not sure if that number is exact, but based on a study by Donna Freitas published in a book entitled Sex & The Soul: Juggling Sexuality, Spirituality, Romance and Religion on America’s College Campuses (Oxford, Oxford University Press, 2008), we know that on a secular campus setting like Penn State approximately 81% of the student body is sexually active. That leaves approximately 19% who remain virgins. Do the math. Penn State’s University Park Campus has on average 44,000 students a year, so that means about 8,360 of them are virgins. Interesting. You see, amidst the rumblings of the new student-written sex column Mounting Nittany in The Daily Collegian[i], a friend of mine told me that her son (a Penn State student) doesn’t believe that any of his fellow students are virgins. The new column doesn’t display a new attitude on campus. It’s just that now the anything-goes mentality is being flaunted nationally as news of the column goes viral. The current behavior shames us as a city. And it shames the educational institution itself. And I’m not talking about the behavior of the students.

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Song of Solomon: Sex is a gift to give, not a selfish experience for the taking.

"I belong to my lover," declares the girl in Song of Solomon. A giving of self. A submission that flies in the face of today's feminist empowered womanhood. While there is a mentality in the Western world that women are supposed to be strong, successful, and independent in a relationship with a man...God's treatise on the gift of sexuality cries out for a submission to giving yourself away within the confines of marriage. Don't think for a second that this is some Old Testament thing that was erased with the New Covenant. Don't believe me? Let's take a look at what the Apostle Paul wrote for the church at Corinth. (And for you and me.)

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Do You Need Healing From Sexual Pain?

Roughly half of all women enter their marriage bed having given away the gift of their virginity. And at a growing rate, many of them have had multiple partners—sometimes as many as 12-24. As I explain in detail within the pages of What Are You Waiting For: The One Thing No One Ever Tells You About Sex, the deep limbic system of the brain can’t physiologically handle that without a woman feeling depression. (In her teens this results in non-virgins being 12x more likely to attempt suicide than their virgin peers.) This can show up as an inability to be close to a fiancé or husband, a sexual repression, a sexual addiction, or the never-ending-daily-obsession to ask one-more-time for God to forgive a sexual sin long ago past. (If you have to keep asking, you should know you’re forgiven but you’re not healed.) The good news is that God has not left us without hope for healing. After twelve years of walking with hundreds of women through the sexual healing process, I have finally found what I believe to be the most effective method of healing. I want you to know about it for your own life, and for the women you mentor. So here it is.

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Learn More About Sex In 9 Minutes Ever Before!

Dannah Gresh appeared live on Friday and talked about Sex and Religion. One young women responded by saying: "I learned more about sex in this 9 minute segment than I've heard anyone share in my whole life." You just might, too. Check it out at

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Friends With Benefits Scientifically Impossible

Urban dictionary dot com defines friends with benefits as “two friends who have a sexual relationship without being emotionally involved.” But…scientifically…that’s impossible. Let me introduce you to the deep limbic system. The deep limbic system of your brain is the emotional center of you being. It, not your heart, is where your emotion is stored. This part of the brain also stores sexual memory. It gets tuned in to a splash of cologne, a great love song, and the physical act of sex. One of the nuerochemicals released during sex is dopamine. Dopamine makes you feel good; it creates a simultaneous sense of peace and pleasure. Anytime your body experiences pleasure—whether good or bad—the limbic system gets wash with this chemical, which causes you to crave more of what you just had. In essence, it creates addiction. Dopamine attaches you emotionally to the source of pleasure. Even if it’s “just a friend.” And there's more.

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